fear and monogamy and independence and rhetoric

Posted on August 10, 2011


I feel like i’m on the verge of a committed relationship… there’s a lot of layers in this thought.  I don’t find this concept as straightforward as most of my peers seem to.

I am like an ogre, you see. I have layers.

at first my fear of committed relationship manifests in the fear of heartbreak and monogamy.  However, monogamy and committed do not have to be interchangeable.

heartbreak… well i think that’s a natural fear.  anyone who has endured it fears it.. right? either way, i feel as if this fear takes me down a notch as a “strong” “woman”.  What does that even mean?  What is strength?  In numbness?  Where is the strength in feeling and experiencing?  Why should I have this anxiety – why does my mind goes to wondering what if this isn’t real?  I’d be pretty hurt.  Why do I care?  Because I care.  This is a weird feeling because normally I have one foot out the door from the get go.  Which is why I have not devoted myself wholeheartedly to one person for an extended period of time in… well, a while.  Have I convinced myself this is because I am an independent, strong person wherein the reality is that there is fear included in that foundation?

I haven’t called anyone my significant other in a long time.  Why does the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” carry so much significance?  Words have power.  They are the only means we have of defining reality.  Naming Truth. What truth does “boyfriend” convey?  Hope? Faith?  Things I have let go of in terms of interpersonal relationships?  A perceived normalcy I wish I could escape?

vulnerability. In a similar way that way writing things of a personal nature leaves me feeling vulnerable and a little hesitant or nervous or scared.

I’ve written about this before.

I pretend to be fearless.  I felt fearless in the past, so it’s not quite pretending.  Fake it till you make it?  No that’s still not right though it probably was at first.  I’ve gone ovaries to the wall before.. but I guess if I am being honest I knew those instances would not come to fruition. Even when I wanted them to.  I know that no matter what happens it has happened for a reason.  So long as i/we stay grounded things should be okay.  That’s been the case consistently in the past.

This time is different… I just really don’t know what will happen.. normally I feel a few steps ahead I guess (where’s the adventure i claim to love in that?).  Realistically speaking this is a craps shoot.  And I hate being naive so we’ll stick to reality.  And the reality is that 99% (or so) of relationships in an individual’s life fail.  Numbers aren’t my game, but the point remains.  Only a few relationships in a person’s life will… will what? What is the opposite of fail?  And who decides what a successful relationship is?  And why the fuck am I thinking inside a dichotomy??!?!

where does this internal debate lie on the continuum of feminist issues?

too many circles. This is a rabbit hole that will need to be explored further at a later date. I need to be grounded and gentle with myself.

Encompassing all of this nonsense is the immense gratitude I feel for my experiences as of late.  I am incredibly lucky and i am soaking up every second of this

Nuanced as usual,